I bet you thought I couldn’t do it, didn’t you? I bet you figured someone like me wouldn’t last two seconds without the comforts of her seventeen bedroom mansion complete with spa and petting zoo. Well, the joke’s on you! I made it work, just like Tim Gunn expects everyone to do. I have a beautiful silk sleeping bag, a lantern, toiletries, and even a little plant to spruce things up. And check out the beautiful masonry work on my wall. I’d like to see you do better. That’s not even all of it either!
I have the beginnings of a luxurious bathroom, more important than anything because public restrooms are filthy. I splurged a bit on the mirror, but you can’t expect me to go without seeing myself and practicing my finger guns! Who do you think I am, a cavewoman?
I also bought myself a bicycle. I really wanted a motorcycle, but that can wait for now. Besides, this bike looks exactly like the one I had when I was a little girl, all the way down to the basket. I can put puppies in there! Or maybe headbands and chocolate!
Maybe I could’ve used the money on a refrigerator or something, but this was worth it. I’m sure I’ll be able to get my kitchen started soon.
I used every bit of money. I think I should get a reward for that or something. Free food would be nice.
Despite the fact that I didn’t have a stove, I had this nagging urge to learn how to cook, so I made my way to the library. I also took the opportunity to see the sights of my new hometown. It’s really bright here, which is perfect. I look amazing in this light.
Someone should really do something about that wrecked spaceship though. It’s repulsive.
The very first person I ran into when I got to the library was none other than Alexander Cross!
He’s a major celebrity, in case you didn’t know.
Of course I HAD to get his autograph. Was it a coincidence that on my very first day in Lunar Lakes I run into one of the biggest celebrities in the world who happens to be named ALEXANDER?
No. That had to be fate. It was a sign, telling me that this was my future.
The celebrity part, not marrying him I hope. He doesn’t look like it, but he’s ancient and that’s just gross.
After my run-in with Alexander I calmed myself down because I still really wanted to learn about cooking. Reading that book was a mistake, though. All those descriptions of food made me hungry. I hadn’t eaten since the space shuttle and that freeze-dried pork chop had disintegrated in my stomach a long time ago.
I looked on my map of Lunar Lakes and found a park nearby. It was named after Appaloosa Plains, which is a place I’ve never even heard of. Still, there was a grill.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to cook on it.
There was also a garden which was filled with perfect, beautiful ready-to-eat vegetables. There wasn’t anyone around to con into picking some for me, though. What, you think I’m going to go digging in the dirt for food myself? No, thanks.
Instead, I sat on the bench of a picnic table and waited as my stomach began to eat itself. Surely someone would come around and cook for me.
I felt like I was being watched for a while, but I think it was only the space wind.
Finally, just as I was ready to pass out from hunger, a polka dotted girl came around. And she began to grill up some amazing looking steaks! See what patience and dedication will get you? A free steak dinner!
The stupid kid burnt them though. People are so incompetent. I almost fired her until I remembered she doesn’t work for me.
“These steaks are delicious. You did a wonderful job,” I lied. Sometimes you have to lie to keep people happy. That way they’ll want to do more things for you.
“Um… thanks. Who are you?” she asked with a dumb look on her face. I introduced myself as Lady Alexandria, mentioning that I was new in town and didn’t know anyone yet. It always helps to go for sympathy.
“You should come to my house! I have a big family. They’ll introduce you to people,” she told me.
I agreed without hesitation. Now, normally it’s not recommended to go to a stranger’s house as night is falling, but it’s also not recommended to invite a stranger to your house after they help themselves to your burnt steak, so it kind of evens out.
Chrissie Landgraab (that’s her name, by the way) and her family live in a really big house. I felt lucky to have discovered her.
As soon as I got there, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom, so I excused myself.
“Uh, do you even know where you’re going?” she asked as I climbed the steps (there are a lot of steps in this house) to one of the rooms.
“I’m sure I’ll manage,” I assured her.
“Okay,” she told me cheerfully, going to the kitchen. This girl was not very bright. Who lets a stranger just go traipsing around their house?
Naturally, I had every intention of snooping around. A house like this, anyone would be tempted. I’m just badass enough to actually do it.
I found a workout bench on the balcony and I have to say I was really drawn to it. I’m not a fan of strength training, but I’m an enthusiast for objects that are worth a decent amount of money.
That bench was probably never used anyway. Chrissie looked pretty frail. I decided it would be put to better use if it were in my possession. And then I took it.
Don’t ask where I stuck it to sneak it out of there.
I also snagged a set of hideous lamps. It didn’t matter what they looked like. They wouldn’t be decorating my house.
As I walked back down the stairs (rather uncomfortably because of the stolen merchandise), you might think I started to feel guilty for what I’d done to this trusting girl. The truth is, I didn’t. Not one bit.
I claimed to be too tired to stick around, bidding Chrissie goodnight, and left the Landgraab house feeling really good about myself. I did what I had to do to survive.
It’s not my fault the girl had put her trust in a complete stranger. She should’ve watched those Stranger Danger videos in school like everyone else.
As I rode home on my bicycle, I couldn’t help but think that the first day in my new home had been absolutely wonderful. I’d met a celebrity, my stomach was full, I made a new friend, and I had things stashed in various places on my body that would give me some money to live on until my career truly began.
I was exhausted when I got home, settling into my sleeping bag and falling into a deep sleep right away.
That night I dreamt about love. Was that gas from the steak or a shift in my future? I’m sure I’ll know soon enough.