The next day, the Landgraabs were gone for breakfast. As were the Altos. So we went to the nearest living person that was home, who just so happened to be Agnes Crumplebottom.
“YES! A female! Look at that figure! I’d like to–“
Ew, keep your comments to yourself, kthx.
“Oh. Eh, I guess I could work with that face.”
“Nice to meet you too, jerk. Come inside, if you must.”
Was that a hint of desperation, Crumps? He’s a jerk, yet you’re inviting him in? Shaaady.
“Straight to the fridge… Hmm… Soup it is.”
I just got the pop up about being kicked out, Chad. Eat up!
“Mmm, smooth and comforting, just like mama used to make.”
Aww, that’s sweet :)
Sweet moment over, I guess.
After he finished eating, Chad autonomously went to the bathroom to gussy up. Got a game plan then, loser?
“Yeah, but I don’t need much. Ladies can’t resist The Chadster.”
Okay, never say Chadster again and we’ll be good, got it?
“Alright, Chad, you can DO THIS. Just be cool, man. Like always.”
A pick up line… about tickets? Smooth. Very smooth. And Agnes, you aren’t fooling anyone. Just look at that thought bubble!
“I’m really sorry, Agnes. I wasn’t ready. See, I gagged before I hit on you and it threw me all off.”
“Don’t even say it, scarletsimphony.”
What? I’m still in shock that you’re apologizing.
“Ahem. Let me try this again. Do you like hearts?”
Sigh. I’m never going to get this legacy going.
“Why yes I do! In fact, I’m a hopeless romantic and hearts make me easy.”
“So while I’m on your good side, why don’t you loan me a LARGE SUM OF MONEY?”
“Sure! Here’s $10!”
…That’s a large sum of money? Hold on.
“What about a small sum of money?”
“Sure, here’s $8!”
…Two dollar difference. Huh. Anyway, Chad, let’s go find more girls.
“*is gone already*”
Haha, even Bella finds him creepy.
“Buzz off, kid. I’m trying to score a hot chick.”
“How about that hot woman over there? I bet she’s a freak in b–“
“But look, she’s dressed all skimpy. I’m sure she’s doing that for me!”
She’s doing that because it’s a swimming pool and she’d drown in that long skirt.
Just go shower so we can hunt for more food.
Why are you looking all freaked out?
“If I stay really still… it’ll go away.”
Oh, yes, the big bad woman’s going to eat you. Just eat your hot dog!
“But it’s… meat.”
It’s FOOD. EAT.
“You are so mean to me.”
You’ll get over it.
“OH GOD I’M SO SUFFERING! IT CAUSES PAIN, THE MEAT CAUSES UNBEARABLE PAIN! I CAN’T GO ON!”
I guess that means that’s the end of chapter two. Will Chad survive (“I DON’T THINK I WILL!”)? If the hot dog doesn’t kill him, I just might. Will he find love (“NOT LOVE, HOT CHICKS! OW, PAIN!”), or will he settle for Agnes (“NOOO!”)? Find out next time!